But I have started thinking about what I want to be for Halloween this year.

In the past, I have always made my own costumes. But, last year, for the first time ever, I bought my costume. It just wasn’t the same.

I need some ideas for what to be this year. I tend to like things like movie/book characters, and they are usually a little off-beat or nerdy. I like to go all out on my costume, and I am a fanatic about the details.

In the past I have been various Star Wars characters, video game characters, literary figures, and random funny “pun characters” (like a black-eyed “P”).

This year I want something sexy, yet that still allows me to express my inner dork.

Any suggestions?

Lately I have been having this overwhelming urge to let people I know in “real life” in on the secrets of this blog. As it stands, there are only three people who could identify my on the street that know how to get here. The only reason those people know about my boolshitz is that I trust them inherently. (As a side note, I find it terribly amusing that two of those three people have NEVER posted anything here, and the third only does so on very rare occasions. But I digress…)

I’m really not sure why I keep thinking about these things. Part of me thinks it’s because I want certain people that I love and trust to see the “real” me. Another part thinks it may just be my exhibitionist tendencies rising to the surface. To be honest, I really have no clue why it keeps popping in my head.

So, I ask you, fellow bloggers, do you think it wise or unwise to reveal this side of my life to others? If you do think it’s okay to do so, do you have any advice about how to decide who should be granted access or how?

I really worry that I am going to just cave in and spill the beans before the time is right. I need you guys to talk me down if I’m about to make a huge mistake here! LOL

Not much to say this week as work is kicking my ass with all its might, but here is my contribution:

This is one of the pics from my shoot last week.

I apologize for the lack of “completeness”, but I’m not really in a position to give up all my secrets just yet…

I hope you can forgive me. <3

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Don’t forget to say hello to Os! And be sure to check out the Other HNT as well!

No, not me.

I wish.

It’s my baby cousin. He leaves in about two weeks to embark on that wonderful journey known as “growing up”. He’s going to be heading to the same college I went to oh-so-many moons ago.

I’m not quite sure how to feel right now.

I don’t have brothers and sisters, and my family is quite small. There are just a handful of cousins, and we all grew up just a few miles from each other. I was the only grandchild for over a decade, and then along came all the rest in a matter of years. The one leaving next week is the “almost baby”.

I can still remember in vivid detail the day he came home from the hospital. He was such a tiny little thing, all red faced and squinty eyed. He had the tiniest patch of blonde hair, and he would just stare and stare at you like he could read every one of your deepest thoughts. He was tiny, and fragile, and innocent. I loved him the minute I laid eyes on him.

I’ve watched him grow over the years from that tiny little creature into an almost fully-grown man. He still has that blonde hair, and he still wouldn’t really be called “wide eyed”, but he’s no longer delicate or tiny at all. Now he is as tall as I am, he’s got muscles from all the sports he played in high school, and he’s grown into that guy way of carrying himself around a group. (C’mon… all you guys know what I mean LOL) He’s smart and funny now. He has a great personality, his own taste in music, and his very own (quite good) sense of fashion. He’s a great guy. I’m so proud to be related to him. He’s about as close to a little brother as I will ever have, and I love him with all my heart.

He came over to visit tonight, and we sat around talking about what college will be like. We went over the list of things he will be taking with him, and I tried to think of all those things the “real adults” in his life had forgot to remind him to pack. I told him to make sure he took a lamp, so he wouldn’t disturb his roommate if he had to study during the night. I asked if he had enough posters and cool decorations, so he would feel like his room was his own. I even made sure he knew to take things like extra towels, socks, and condoms (’cause you can never have enough of any of those in college IMHO).

He and I talked about all the things he needed to know about being on his own. I made sure I told him to not drink and drive. I reminded him that it’s ok to party, just be safe and smart about whatever he does. I told him about how to get along with a roommate, and what “personal space” means in the world of dorms and college flings. I tried so hard to cover it all.

But I still feel like there is so much more I wish I could tell him.

I wish I could grab him and make him listen to me when I told him that this is it… this is real life now. I want him to understand that there are no do-overs. He doesn’t get take-backs anymore. I want to make him understand that from here on out he has to be sure he is doing the right thing in all areas of his life. I wish I could tell him that he needs to get out there and live each moment, good or bad to the fullest. I want to make him see that this will be the best, more carefree, and most important years of his life.

This is when he becomes him.

I’m so scared that he will make the same mistakes I made. And, more than that, I am terrified he won’t.

I want him to grow up to be that man I know he can be. A good man that is loved by the world for his kindness and his beauty. A strong man who knows it’s okay to cry, and it takes more strength to admit you’re wrong than it does to fight to be “right”. I want him to learn that anything in the world worth having takes work, and lots of it, but that doesn’t mean it has to be hard work all the time. I want him to know that he can have fun and not go overboard. I want him to learn to love him like I love him.

But I am old enough and smart enough to know these aren’t the things you can tell someone. He’s going to have to learn these lessons all on his own. He’s going to have to try, he’s going to have to fail, and he’s even going to have to “eat crow” a little every now and then.

I have faith in him.

I know he can do it.

I just wish I could be there to catch him if he falls, or to push him when he wants to fly.

But, for now, I will be here, holding down the home-front… waiting to hear all about it on his breaks.

I wish him the best… he deserves it.

And I hope that somewhere, deep down inside, he knows he will always be that tiny little red-faced, innocent, wonderful baby to me. <3

So I have my very first professional shoot this evening.

I am a nervous wreck.

I can’t decide what to wear, how to style my hair, what shoes to bring, nothing….

everybody pray that my first “real” pictures aren’t of me being sick LOL

Lately I have been spending a lot of time curled up with a book. There’s just something comforting about letting my mind wander in someone else’s fantasy. I don’t have to think about it for the most part. I can let myself laugh without caring if anyone else gets the joke. I don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen, because no matter what I think or feel the outcome was long ago decided. I can feel love and fear and regret and passion, all with the purity that comes only from being outside looking in. Reading is my escape. It’s my therapy and my release and my zen all rolled into one. I am so thankful that my mom taught me to enjoy this indulgence at such an early age. 

The best part of reading may be the fact that I can enjoy it anywhere, anytime, any way I see fit. I can read in the car (as long as I’m not driving LOL), I can sneak a chapter in on my lunch break in a crowded restaurant, or I can even read naked, snuggled up all by my lonesome in the world’s most comfortable bed. Usually this is the view I see when peering over my book:

I love reading in bed… that is all

Now go say hello to Os and all the other HNT’ers out there!

I don’t usually post videos, but I a friend led me to this one. It rings so true to me right now. And I find it immensely odd and confounding that I feel like I am on both sides of this table at once…

I have an appointment today to do some general upkeep on this mess of hair I have. I usually just get the same cut & color over and over, but lately I have been thinking it might be time for a change. I know that in my emotional world, and in my work world as well, things are in motion… so why not make it an all around different way for me?

I think I’m going to talk to my stylist about getting something fun and funky done. I used to be edgy… why can’t I be again, right?

Wish me luck! (And cross your fingers that the stylist doesn’t ruin my social world! LOL)

Things are getting a little more “in hand” these days, but I still feel as though I am spinning out of control more often than not….

(Can you tell I like playing with the camera these days? LOL)

Recently AP and I have had a discussion about me finalizing my divorce and making a clean break from the ex. I know AP is right. I do need to do this. I must get away from a situation that has been toxic to my life for quite some time. I have to let go. 

It’s just so hard.

There are a million reasons why I can’t seem to walk away. I won’t bore you with them here, but let’s just say they all boil down to fear. And most of that fear is fear of the unknown.

AP tells me that he is trying to understand. I want to believe this. I want AP to understand. I need AP to realize that my fears and insecurities regarding this mess have nothing to do with him. They have everything to do with me. 

My problem is that I feel that AP sees me as weak now. I am scared that he views me as some fragile little object that won’t stand up for herself and can’t make a decision. In my heart, I don’t think this is true. In my heart I know I am strong. I have been through so much in my life, and I have always come through it a better, stronger person.

I just wish I could get AP to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t happen on his schedule, that other people decide things in different manners than he does. I am not weak. I am not a pushover. If anything, I feel that sticking to my beliefs (to not hurt someone I once cared about no matter how much he hurt me) and doing what I need to do (in my own time, so as to make certain I did it the way I am comfortable with) are a sign of strength. It would be so easy to just listen to someone else tell me when to do what they think I should be doing. But that isn’t how I work.

I want AP to see this side of things. I want AP to look at me and see the strong, happy woman he met years ago. I am still under here. I am just trying to make sure that when this is all said and done that there is no more fear, no more worry. I want to know that when I look at AP and say “It’s over” I can truly, in my heart of hearts, mean it. 

He deserves nothing less.